Friday, August 19, 2022
Tuesday, May 28, 2019
The First Day of Battle
Did warriors really feel and smell battle? Was there a feeling in the air, a smell of fear? What does the morning before the commencement of war really smell like?
I'm not sure of feelings or smells but I am well aware of inner war, a war, I feel I've been fighting even before my time on earth began. How is that possible to struggle before you exist? I am a Member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter- Day Saints. I believe in God and in Jesus Christ and in Heaven were we made choices, studied. (https://www.mormon.org/beliefs/plan-of-salvation) I know I made the choice to come to Earth, with its accompanying divine destiny given to me.
So a moment of vulnerability here. Do with it what you must; judge it, accept it, mock it, it's there to do with what you choose. My hope is that anyone who has the smallest bit of humanity in them, will let it just be. My inner demons, my constant companions for years- depression, anxiety, idol, insignificance. Insignificance in my purpose of life. Is it possible when I was in Heaven, I accepted a divine destiny of mediocrity? What a disheartening thought!
Now "AW you have beautiful children and you are raising them wonderfully", or "You are influencing so many in your life for good!" To these wonderful women who perhaps see or feel something I don't, thank you. I am so sorry I don't fully comprehend or am I too immature to understand.
I've shared this feeling, not to receive pity or to mine for compliments. But this is my purpose now. To be significant, no, not just significant, MAGNIFICENT.
Does any one else feel this way? You look around and see what you are doing and think, "WAS THIS WHAT I WAS BORN TO DO?" So as I venture into battle with my mind and insecurities, wish me luck. I'm going to need that and all the prayers you can give. I have a feeling that Satan knows I am up to finding joy in my journey and he is going to give me hell for it.
I'm not sure of feelings or smells but I am well aware of inner war, a war, I feel I've been fighting even before my time on earth began. How is that possible to struggle before you exist? I am a Member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter- Day Saints. I believe in God and in Jesus Christ and in Heaven were we made choices, studied. (https://www.mormon.org/beliefs/plan-of-salvation) I know I made the choice to come to Earth, with its accompanying divine destiny given to me.
So a moment of vulnerability here. Do with it what you must; judge it, accept it, mock it, it's there to do with what you choose. My hope is that anyone who has the smallest bit of humanity in them, will let it just be. My inner demons, my constant companions for years- depression, anxiety, idol, insignificance. Insignificance in my purpose of life. Is it possible when I was in Heaven, I accepted a divine destiny of mediocrity? What a disheartening thought!
Now "AW you have beautiful children and you are raising them wonderfully", or "You are influencing so many in your life for good!" To these wonderful women who perhaps see or feel something I don't, thank you. I am so sorry I don't fully comprehend or am I too immature to understand.
I've shared this feeling, not to receive pity or to mine for compliments. But this is my purpose now. To be significant, no, not just significant, MAGNIFICENT.
Does any one else feel this way? You look around and see what you are doing and think, "WAS THIS WHAT I WAS BORN TO DO?" So as I venture into battle with my mind and insecurities, wish me luck. I'm going to need that and all the prayers you can give. I have a feeling that Satan knows I am up to finding joy in my journey and he is going to give me hell for it.
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